By Kelvin Mokaya
Narcissistic abuse occurs when a narcissist progressively manipulates and mistreats people to gain control over them, creating a toxic environment full of emotional, psychological, financial, sexual, or physical harm. Narcissists exploit those around them through gas lighting, sabotaging, love-bombing, lying, and twisting situations to suit their needs. As a result, victims can suffer long-term effects from their abuse.
Narcissistic abuse typically involves emotional abuse in the form of put-downs, accusations, criticism, or threats. A narcissist may gaslight you or contradict you in front of others. Withholding money, silent treatment, isolation, and lying about you to others are other narcissistic manipulative techniques in their toolbox. The end goal of a narcissist is to control their victim’s behavior into maintaining their supply.
Victims of narcissistic abuse have been reported to experience symptoms similar to PTSD, known informally as narcissistic abuse syndrome. Symptoms include intrusive, invasive, or unwanted thoughts, flashbacks, avoidance, feelings of loneliness, isolation, and feeling extremely alert. Being placed in a similar situation may trigger the victim physically or emotionally.
The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse
The narcissistic abuse cycle is a pattern of highs and lows in which the narcissist confuses their partner through manipulation and calculated behaviors aimed at making their partner question themselves. Each phase in the cycle works in tandem with the other in order to keep someone entangled in the narcissist’s web.
Narcissists tend to deflect all their feelings onto others because of the pain they feel about their own feelings. They too may have had narcissist caregivers or parents, or experienced some kind of abuse or traumatic event which shaped their upbringing. However, this is not an excuse for the emotional and/or physical abuse inflicted on their victims.
One may experience a wide range of issues after surviving narcissistic abuse, including:
– Cognitive difficulties including confusion, hypervigilance, or intrusive thoughts
– Behavioral issues including withdrawal, increase in alcohol or substance consumption, or a change in communication
– Emotional problems like fear, guilt, or irritability
– Depression
– Anxiety
Exiting a Relationship With a Narcissist
You can never please a narcissist. You cannot make them happy because they are not happy with themselves. It is often best to end the relationship for your own mental health.
When we fall in love, it’s natural to become attached and form a romantic bond. But once in love with a narcissist, or in a toxic relationship, it’s not easy to leave, despite the abuse.
Exiting a relationship with a narcissist can be challenging. Although you’re unhappy, you may be ambivalent about leaving because you still love your partner, have young children, lack resources, and/or enjoy lifestyle benefits.
Research confirms that it’s common for victims to attach to their abuser, particularly when there’s intermittent positive reinforcement, as already seen in the implementation of the Safe and Inclusive Cities (SAIC 2) Program by The Network for Adolescent and Youth of Africa (NAYA-KENYA), aimed at reducing the cases of Gender-Based violence in the country.
You may be trauma-bonded, meaning that after being subjected to prolonged belittling and control, you’ve become childlike and addicted to any sign of approval from your abuser. This is referred to as Stockholm Syndrome, named for hostages who developed positive feelings for their captors.
At the end of a relationship, they may beg, make promises to change, lavish you with expensive gifts, or profess their undying love for you. But know that a narcissist never changes—they only get better at their craft. As long as you’re under their spell an abuser has control over you. In order to become empowered, you need to educate yourself. Come out of denial to see reality for what it is. Regardless of your decision, it’s important for your own mental health to redeem your autonomy and self-esteem. Remind yourself that you deserve better and are worthy of love.
Kelvin Mokaya Is a Sexual and Reproductive Health and Rights Advocate at NAYA-SAIC II
SAIC II (Safe and Inclusive Cities) is a programme that aims at promoting Sexual and Reproductive Health and Rights (SRHR) and SGBV interventions by sharpening skills, and providing opportunities to young people so as to drive sustainable, gender-transformative change in society. It also aims at ensuring that the civil society protects the rights of young people and is responsive to their needs. The interventions will take part in informal settlements in Nairobi (Mathare, Huruma, Kibera) and Kisumu (Nyalenda, Kondele).
